maybe i should hate you for this...


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03.16.05 (2:52 pm)   [edit]

yea.. i guess i'm fine now. i dont know. i IMed mike and bryan last night but i jus started crying even more and i was screaming everything i wanted to tell them but i jus wouldnt let myself type it. i jus told em i was going to be okay. so i lied. but im pretty sure they knew i was but what could they do?


 so i jus sat there and stared at the monitor. waited for mom to get home then i went to my room, turned on the radio, opened my window, layed down and jus cried. i wanted to be cold. i wanted to feel something other than not knowing why. i took some pills but im not going to say what kind or where i got them because its not important.


i didn't go to school today. jus couldnt go. i wanted to stay home and jus think about shit. so thats what i've been doing since 6:30 this morning. trying to get everything together. yea its been great fucking fun. let me tell you


yea ... i was suppose to be hanging out with mike this weekend. or atleast we were going to try to. but now i dont know if i want to. i jus read his journal. he's hurting again. and i cant do shit about it. i want to be there for him i really do but i dont know how to comfort him. i dont have the "right words" to say. i know i'll jus make it worse.


come to think of it i still feel like shit. i dont know what i need to be happy. it seems everytime i smile.. i have to cry a million tears. its like i have to be miserable for weeks to have one day of happiness. and i dont know where the shit is coming from. i swear im jus going fucking crazy. i mean think about it. who out of the blue jus fucking cries for no reason?


okay.. i had a reason. sorry.. but its not a good one to get all hyped up like i was las night. the shit was crazy. i was scaring myself. im serious. i freaked the shit out of myself. its like it wasnt even me. i felt like i was jus put into a random person who had tatterd emotions and i was suppose to fix them and i had a broken wand. i didnt know how to care for myself. i didnt know how to calm myself down. i was lost. i was confused. my body jus took over. thats scary as hell to me. ive become a stranger.


and the thoughts that i was thinking. omg.... i never thought i could think of shit like that. the way i planned out certain things. i started shaking. i couldnt stop. and i looked in the mirror and i was smiling!... i jus went into a state where i couldnt control myself. i was like temporary insane. i feel like a fucking rag doll right now and everyone is chasing me with scissors...


buut... like i said.. i guess im okay now. i dont know. i dont know anything right now at the moment. im a lost sexually disturbed dream rose... yea... that was part of my poem. i thought it was beautufil so i typed it now. yea.. but im gonna go now i guess...


yea mom and stina left. they went tanning. broddie and dabnie are at church. so yea that leaves me all alone again like usual. blah.


whose gonna be the one to catch me as i fall this time?


later.. </3
 
*hmmm
03.16.05 (4:53 am)   [edit]

:cry: yea. i decided to make on of these things so bare with me for the time being. umm theres not to much to say right now. havent been myself lately. but.. what else is new. umm heres a poem i wrote last night.. enjoy.


a demented mirror shattered in a million broken dreams. lets not pretend anymore. im so fucking tired of hurting. i want to be loved and wanted. i feel so helpless and used. im so tortured. why cant everyone jus see that im completely miserable? i know im not that good at hiding pain. damn it people help me back to reality. i need it. i thought i could do it on my own but i was wrong. i was so wrong. im scared now. to know that i have no more chances. im going to be alone.im aware that i am nothing. that i mean nothing. when can i love me for myself? im sone going through changes. i guess im not as prepared for the truth as i thought i was/ i bled mascara and wet my wrist tonight. i broke my promise. someone get inside my head and shut this voice up! all night ive been searching for my needle. if you jus unlock yourself to me for a moment maybe i can understand and i wont hurt you again beause i cant live with myself knowing that you mean everything to me and im soon going to be the one to fuck it up. did you know that i used to fake it when i was with you? now that im open in your wound i dont think i could ever lie to your bright eyes of waterd down hopes and loss. tell me that i mean to you tell me how i make you feel i cant go through this shit without you again. if i told you i had a gun would you let down your guard? or jus watch your angel slip away? will my bleeding white rose wither away from your fingers and drift down the raging river of death? how does it feel to know you did nothing to save it? your words use to jus shallow me down inside. now they fucking rape me. jus take it. break it. bleed me. thrill me. have your way with me like you did before. fuck me with a crucifix. watch the liquid pour. listen to my horrid screams let your eyes laugh. put your cold hands around my neck. have your way with me. kill me if you must. i want you to be happy. make this memory beautiful. if not death leave me blind. i want to be the rotting corpse you think about fucking in your dreams. i want to be the taste of blood you get from your first love. i want to be the needle you use. i want to be your last lie. i want to be your bullet. i want to be your reason. i want make you feel like the whore.


okay i typed that kind of fast and wasnt really paying attention soo there might be a few typos.. so jus ignore them.. i guess.. later </3.